I am sitting here, with you, feeling heaviness behind my eyelids and sensing how it weighs on my heart. The world is spinning rapidly, opening up new landscapes of understanding and awareness of what I know to be true unleashing emotions that swirl inside me.
How easy it is to loose sight of what rises from my feelings when they are uncomfortable, when they hurt and disturb my perception and illusion of order. How strong is my resistance to discomfort and feeling vulnerable, when the idea I have of myself and my world becomes blurry and uncertain.
How precarious is my understanding of the powerful dynamics that bind the expanding and constricting forces of Universe. Continuously igniting tension in my search for equilibrium, as I strive to find balance between the Ethos and Thanatos. It is so easy to loose sight and forget that one does not exist without the other.
I feel these forces pushing and pulling, straining against each other, feeding off each other, intimately joined. The constant dance of living and dying become apparent on the battlefield as a member of my family prepares for his physical death, crashing in its wake the status quo we have, where we all stand in relationship to each other.
Every fiber of my human and spiritual being is awakened and vibrates in a state of constant alertness, feeling the threat of loss, disturbing the order I´ve relied upon to view my world. Most of it is unconscious, I become aware of it when I put words to it and tears swell up, when my vision becomes blurry and my ears start ringing, when I feel so tired that all I can think of is laying down and sleep.
I am preparing to move into a new realm of existence, invited to move into the wonder and grace of another passage, into a greater vision of our eternal existence. I know this is real for us all. With his process, my older brother Patrick is beckoning us to step out of our limited vision and shed the illusion of what makes our minds feel safe and let go into the Unknown what I cannot envision from my human perspective.
I look back and acknowledge the gift Denis left me, my younger brother. His death brought about the shattering of my very being, ripping the fabric in my worldview, leaving me bare, naked and utterly desolate. I had no resources to fall back on and had to crawl out of the claws that were gripping and pulling me down, looking for salvation. I chose life and the path to my own recovery. Now, 25 years later, I gift him the woman I have come to love, cherish and honor as me. His death gave me life.
I am grateful to my love for my little brother and what I made from this love. Today I can embrace with greater ease and trust the knowledge that my older sibling will leave us to continue his journey. He is calling us to move beyond what we know to be true. It will be up to the ones he leaves behind, to accept his offering and continue to bow to life as he surrenders to death.
