A Spiritual Path

A few days ago I had the opportunity to struggle with and move through a harsh judgement made by a friend and colleague about my spiritual worthiness. In short, it was considered insufficient, lacking and too basic to be of any use.

This led me to ponder upon what is considered spiritual and the sensitive nature of anyone´s intimate quest for truth, purpose and meaning, including the greedy and fearful need to possess "the" truth of a wholly quest. 

What makes a person´s journey spiritual? - in the knowing that we all are spiritual in essence- 

What elements are required for a spiritual journey? 

What is considered valuable and worthy in this quest - and, is there one that isn´t valuable and worthy? Is there one golden path?

It is true that my spiritual unfolding has been anything but strait forward. I´ve often said that I have accessed my greatest achievements through the back door. My search for meaning and connection has been a long winding process, full of rough patches and questioning, ignited by a deep sense of being separate and filled with doubts. It has been a passionate pursuit.

I rebelled against my family´s beliefs about God, I explored and clashed against my limited religious experience and I had the fortune of being introduced to its mystical origin. I read about spiritual practices, I meditated and used a spiritual name for more than 20 years. I danced my prayers, because, for as long as I can remember, I have felt the wonder and grace of creation in my body. I deeply love, cherish and bow to the Godliness of Nature. What has made this journey unequaled and worth every battle, every wound and hurdle, are the ecstatic times of absolute bliss found in profound connection, sense of belonging and inner knowing. 

When I first heard how my spiritual life was not considered worthy, I could see myself become tight, defensive and argumentative. I immediately felt the need to explain, justify and validate my life process, it was followed by anger and a sense of unfairness. I felt my rage rise and I had to restrain the deepest desire to rip into the other person´s life and experience. The ferocity of my need to protect and defend what is sacred to me was astounding. I wanted to blame and become a judge myself, followed by a longing to be reassured and recognized. It was truly precious to follow the thread of my responses and reactions until all that is left is silence and relief. 

In my experience, the relationship we have to what we consider sacred and divine is profoundly intimate and dynamic, as in any other relationship we have. Every time I think "I got it" and feel ready to settle into and become comfortable with, I realize there is more, always more to feel, sense, perceive, accept, learn and let go of.  This movement pushes and incites me to face my resistance to surrender to an unknown that threatens my sense of self, shakes my foundations of what I feel is true, inviting me, pushing me to stretch out time and time again by widening my perspective of Life and its Holiness. 

A beloved friend wrote me a sentence I intend to use whenever the occasion arises, it says:  "I am happy to know that your opinion of me is none of my business" and I would end it by saying "and my opinion of you is mine to keep and hold until I have it no more". I hold the wish that eventually this experience will result in keeping my heart more open to experience forgiveness and accept the priceless choices and unique paths we hold as treasures in our human voyage. 

I realize this is my journey, my sacred journey. I know, and must remember, that we each have our own threading to do, as mysterious as this may seem at times. All of us are an essential piece for the completion of the whole of existence. There is, in my view, no "right or wrong way" to look  for sacredness and offer it to others. I firmly believe that it is only when all of us have consciously chosen to fulfill our spiritual and human destiny, embracing the uniqueness and worthiness of our paths and honoring each other´s journeys, that we will create the world we long to be a part of. 

When Life Happens

I am sitting here, with you, feeling heaviness behind my eyelids and sensing how it weighs on my heart. The world is spinning rapidly, opening up new landscapes of understanding and awareness of what I know to be true unleashing emotions that swirl inside me. 

How easy it is to loose sight of what rises from my feelings when they are uncomfortable, when they hurt and disturb my perception and illusion of order. How strong is my resistance to discomfort and feeling vulnerable, when the idea I have of myself and my world becomes blurry and uncertain. 

How precarious is my understanding of the powerful dynamics that bind the expanding and constricting forces of Universe. Continuously igniting tension in my search for equilibrium, as I strive to find balance between the Ethos and Thanatos. It is so easy to loose sight and forget that one does not exist without the other.

I feel these forces pushing and pulling, straining against each other, feeding off each other, intimately joined. The constant dance of living and dying become apparent on the battlefield as a member of my family prepares for his physical death, crashing in its wake the status quo we have, where we all stand in relationship to each other. 

Every fiber of my human and spiritual being is awakened and vibrates in a state of constant alertness, feeling the threat of loss, disturbing the order I´ve relied upon to view my world.  Most of it is unconscious, I become aware of it when I put words to it and tears swell up, when my vision becomes blurry and my ears start ringing, when I feel so tired that all I can think of is laying down and sleep. 

I am preparing to move into a new realm of existence, invited to move into the wonder and grace of another passage, into a greater vision of our eternal existence. I know this is real for us all. With his process, my older brother Patrick is beckoning us to step out of our limited vision and shed the illusion of what makes our minds feel safe and let go into the Unknown what I cannot envision from my human perspective. 

I look back and acknowledge the gift Denis left me, my younger brother. His death brought about the shattering of my very being, ripping the fabric in my worldview, leaving me bare, naked and utterly desolate. I had no resources to fall back on and had to crawl out of the claws that were gripping and pulling me down, looking for salvation. I chose life and the path to my own recovery. Now, 25 years later, I gift him the woman I have come to love, cherish and honor as me. His death gave me life. 

I am grateful to my love for my little brother and what I made from this love. Today I can embrace with greater ease and trust the knowledge that my older sibling will leave us to continue his journey. He is calling us to move beyond what we know to be true. It will be up to the ones he leaves behind, to accept his offering and continue to bow to life as he surrenders to death.